|
| Maybe it's the mixture of lower back pain and the strep-induced sore throat...maybe it's because i'm completely alone for the first time in this new home of mine...maybe it's because I have no form of entertainment to wind me down...or maybe it's something I can't think of or don't want to admit...but for whatever reason it may be, I find myself unable to sleep for the first time in a long while.
It's not like I'm restless or anything, like I can't sit still. I can do that just fine. I'm just nowhere near tired, and have no desire to sleep at the moment. I feel like I should be doing something, or that I'm forgetting something. Perhaps I'm nervous because I'm pretty sure work's pissed at me because I've been out the past two days (and I'm an opener, and those are hard to replace on short notice). Perhaps I'm anxious because Newman gets back in town in two days and I've missed that fucker more than I miss the ring. Do I miss working in the ring.
Speaking of which, I worked a charity show for the Flint Hills Job Corps in Manhattan, KS yesterday (or Monday, depending on whether or not you've gone to sleep already). That's where the sore back comes from. I nail the moonsault at least twice every practice, and for whatever reason I rotated too long and arched when I landed. The show was awesome though. I worked, what I feel, was the fastest-paced match of the card, and we had a blast. Lots of high energy, lots of fun flippy stuff. Lots of dives, lots of crowd pops. Man, does your adrenalin start pumping when that crowd gets going. If we can manage to get ahold of video of that, I so wanna watch it. Definitely an awesome show, and I made a good impression with the booker there. Said he definitely wanted to use me in the future, which is awesome. Opening doors and getting my name out there, hellz yeah.
But anyway, back to me not sleeping. I was pretty sure this was something I was over...but then again, that was back at dad's place. Maybe I had finally gotten comfortable there. Who knows. Maybe I'm just not used to this place yet. Not used to the basic mattress/sheet setup, not used to everything being farther away, just not used to the whole deal yet. Perhaps I just need some time to get used to this, then it'll all smooth over and things'll be gravy. I really wish more people were awake at 3 AM, although I can completely understand why they're not...as it's 3 in the fuckin' morning.
And she only sleeps when it's raining
And she screams, and her voice is straining
She says "Baby,
It's 3 AM I must be lonely,"
And she says "Baby,
I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes..."
Yay for Matchbox 20. Yay Rob Thomas in general. I really need to pick up his solo album. Still doesn't beat my Goo Goo Dolls, though. Comes close, but can't quite finish the job.
Strep Throat is proof we all have to pay for our sins in sacrifice of some kind. Cause this shit hurts. Either that or someone up in that region just enjoys the idea of a little suffering every now and then. Yeah, when yawning hurts...something ain't right in the world. Bastard viruses and their attacking of the immune system. Thank God my T-Cells know how to kick ass and take names.
MachineHead pwns you all. Cause they are the epitomé of kick-you-in-the-teeth metal. Which is just 10 lbs of awesome. I think I'll just listen to them while I attempt to drift to sleep. Peace daywalkers. | | |
| So all of the following struck me in about the span of 45 minutes...15 of which I spent trying to get home before I forgot it. Each double-break is a new song. I don't have names for 'em yet, because I'm not sure yet if it's finished or not.
The irony's almost too much to bear
Things finally become clear, when the light pulls away
You're all that matters, with the world's eyes on me
For once I am whole, only when I appear empty
Forever always begins, but only when you reach the end
When trying to find the solution, you discover the meaning
Stay by my side, and hold me just so
Cause the worst you can do is leave when I'm letting go
I don't know how much pain I can stand
So fear nothing more than losing my hand
Know the closing of this night is the start of the day
Although I am gone, I'm right by you still
Eternity in your heart, starts by leaving mine
This tragedy is nothing more than the start
Of another hero's story, begun in my heart
Fear not what's here, embrace what shall come
For the ending to all, is the beginning to some
The wheels still spin
As I move further down the road
Picking up speed
Afraid I'm losing control
I can't let you go
You mean too much for that now
I can't let you leave
Just stay with me somehow
Don't let this be
What I've feared for so long
Come back to me
We'll run away and be gone
The wheel keeps spinning
As you fade into the light
I scream out your name
Trying to keep you in sight
No matter how hard I run
You keep moving away from me
I can't let you go
You mean too much for that now
I can't let you leave
Just stay with me somehow
We'll make it better, it'll be ok
Just hold on, and stay 'till the new day
The wheel still spins
Yet you've gone away
I'm standing outside
Watching the snow fall slow
The stone in the ground
It means more than you'd believe
It's all I have to remind me
I can't let you go
You mean to much for that now
I can't let you leave
You keep me going somehow
Even though you've gone for good
I can't help thinking it's not forever
Take a breath
And hold it in
Realize the perfection around
Take a breath
And let it out
See the splendor surrounding you
Take in the world that you see
Realize truly what this all means
See the meaning behind it all
See the truth of what it's called
Look inside yourself
And find the key
To unlock
All of these mysteries
Questions you have
No longer unfulfilled
Reasons to live
Come flooding ever still
Once you can see it all
And understand
You come to realize the gift
Has always been in your hand
A gift to give, A gift to take
Know whether it stays or goes
It's your choice to make
Is this all
That I've left?
Is this the life
I've been fed?
Summer can be so cold
When you're not here for me to hold
I haven't slept for days
My mind's racing
To find a way out of this haze
My body's wasting
I've lost my balance, I think I'm falling
Into a trap no one else could ever see
All I have left to reach for
Is you, slowly pulling away
You tell me it's alright
You tell me to let go my grasp
How can you possibly understand
You'll never understand the pain of being last
You've moved on
You've found a better Place
But all I've left
Are the Tears that stain my Face
Watch me take my dive, I think I'm falling
Towards the trap that only I could see
And I refuse to reach for You
I'm slowly pulling away
You always made me out to be the liar
Telling everyone I'm doing okay
Can't you see from my figure?
My body gives up a little every day
It's so hard to continue
Having to wear this facade
I think it's time to move on
From playing out this mirage
Let them know that I'm weeping
Knowing that this could be my last chance
I just hate to admit
That I never got my last dance
So take me away from this starched old bed
Take me to the ballroom, and damn what they said
Run out to the floor, and strike me a pose
We'll dance the night away 'til my body goes
And when that last breath escapes my lungs
Know it'll be my favorite song, one last time being sung
Everything gets dark, as my vision gets clear
My heart stops beating because it's the rhythm I hear
Calling me up to the throne I shall claim
It's just sad that I don't get to keep my old name
As my body's life empties, my soul becomes whole
The end has come, because of the eternity I stole
I'm finally alone, with everyone around
Know that my end comes from the beginning I have found
Know when your time comes, I shall be waiting for you
Because the end of it all, always begins forever for two
Weep not for my loss, For it's my prize to gain
Know you can only find comfort, by living through the pain
Leave comments, or whatever. | | |
| Guess What? You Suck.
Watch me fall while I go down, I'm taking all you bastards to the ground with me, then I'll frown on your fucking whole life. This systematic hype still means a bit much to me.
It's just one of those days when you dont' wanna wake up, everything is fucked, everybody sucks.
Give me some courage, beating me down now for some time. Are you laughing am I funny? I hate inside, I hate inside. I'll take this time to let out what's inside, 'cause you raped and stole my pride. And all this hate is bottled up inside.
What's to say, heard you got roughed up. Once again you get left behind. Check yourself, don't get it twisted. Write yourself a formal good-bye. Fuck yourself, don't get it talked up. Got no qualms with taking your life. Quick to judge, quick to get tossed up. Dig yourself a formal good-bye. Suffocate, you're nothing to no one. Suffocate, you're living a lie.
There's not one thing that you can say to make it right, unless you say "I'm leavin". And if you're not...then please tell me why, please tell me why you can't save face.
Compromise, with me agree right now. Useless cries, I'm telling you just how. Paralyzed, there is nothing I can do. I realize I liked the other you. You've changed. Everything about you is strange. Look at yourself, you've changed.
And everyone trying to make it harder, and everyone saying I would never be, You're nothing but a name on the bullet that I aim.
I don't want you, I don't need you. With closed eyes I see right through you. I was crawling, always falling. You don't know what I have lived through.
I got just enough left to finish this, and the rest I'm going to use on your friends. Don't bother screaming for help. They left you behind to fend for yourself.
Walking away from me is not an option anymore.
Another goddamn slap in the face. Don't wanna give us a place, are you afraid? Well fear this, cause I'm breakin' through the walls of your nightmare. Wake up, time to die. The way I'm livin' there is no compromising it. Better get ready for another suprise, and it may leave a mark, because I'm coming fast. Plantin' thoughts in your mind and droppin' plates on your ass.
You want in, to get under my skin and call yourself a "friend". I've got more "friends" like you, what do I do? Is there no standard anymore? Be yourself, by yourself, stay away from me. A lesson learned in Life.
Sometimes it's healthy to want to smash somebody's face into your foot. In fact, it sounds like a pretty damned fun time. They're just never worth the jail time required to do it. | | |
| I think it's safe to blog here again, because my entire family's been lulled into thinking I just use another blog site now that shall remain nameless. Unfortunately, I had to compromise the security of the other one in order for this to happen, but Addie really feels like venting without people reading, so let me begin...
It's probably not the smartest move to be sitting here with a fifth of vodka when I have work in the morning, but I really don't care at the current moment. I've just been extremely stressed recently with everything going on, and I wanted to unwind, and I didn't want to wait until tomorrow night.
Things have been getting tough again, unfortunately. Not in the same fields as before, but they're getting tough again. I'm not whining and bitching about anyone I used to, it's more or less circumstance. And I know better than to bitch about things beyond my control, because I know negative talk only produces negative results, and yet sometimes I just can't help myself.
I guess I'll start with the positives. Wrestling's starting back up again, and I'm glad to say I haven't lost a whole lot of agility during the off-season. In fact, it almost seems like I might have improved slightly just with age or something. I can't wait to start hitting more indy shows and getting my name out there. Which reminds me, I need to give my booker a call sometime tomorrow and see if I can't get on the March 17th show. Hopefully there are still slots open for that one.
I'm going to be heading back to my old job at After Hours here pretty soon. I just really liked that job. There wasn't a lot of stress, I got lots of cool down time, and even when I did work, it was easy and not rushed at all. I really got to take my time and make sure what I did was done right. The pay decrease will be a bit of a hit, but I don't mind that for doing something that's a lot more comfortable and fits with my personality a lot more.
"I'm in the middle of a breakdown,
Watching you scream,
In the middle of a breakdown,
Screaming at me.
And by the way,
By the way,
What made you think you'd have it your way?
And by the way,
By the way,
Don't say I didn't warn you
That I'd always stay the same?"
So the car situation seems a little bit more impossible every day. Just when I thought I might have found something mom could help me pay for, turns out because of her pension she may owe the IRS as much as $15,000 in taxes because the pension pushed her into the next income bracket. Neither of my biological parents have had jobs since the new year, and it's all just really starting to get to me. Dad's had to ask me to help him pay bills, and mom's openly admitted to me that she may be staring bankruptcy in the face for the second time in her life. I realize neither of my parents are perfect by any stretch of the imagination, and neither am I. But I really wonder what I have to do to shake these financial woes from the family tree. It just stresses the crap out of me, because I know it pushes my chances at going back to school someday farther and farther down the line, it makes it near impossible for me to get a car in the near future without financing one (which we're desperately trying to avoid because of insurance costs), and I simply cannot stand to see shame on my parents' faces.
And on the same token, mom tries to continually tell me how I'm making dumb financial decisions. I'm sorry, but I just think it's rather strange for her to tell me how wrong my decisions are when she's not in much shape to call me out on something. To be honest, I really can't stand living under my dad's roof anymore. I need a car to get out of here, which I've been trying my damnedest to get one so I could. Once I get out of this roof, I wouldn't have to worry about dad's bills, or mom's taxes, or any of that. I could focus on myself, get myself on track, and start on correcting whatever I need to get myself on the winning path. The longer I stay here, the more I'm held back by their problems. The longer I'm here, the more I'm controlled by them. And it just pains me to no end. They continually tell me how wrong that decision is, and yet they never give me an alternative that would help solve the problem. I know I'm not the brightest person on the planet. Hell, I can be pretty damned stupid sometimes. But I'm tired of them watching over my bank account, managing where I am and when I'll be home every waking moment, and always telling me I'm doing wrong without ever offering an alternative solution. This sub-level controlling is getting annoying. They're on their last throes of trying to manage me, and they're grasping at straws. Frankly, I'm simply getting tired of it. If I tried to explain this to them, I'd merely get confused stares and "we're only trying to help you" and bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.
It's not help if you don't provide alternatives. It's not help if you don't show another choice, another path. All it is when you simply say "you're wrong" is negative criticism. And with my mind the way it works, the LAST thing I need is negative criticism. That's why I respect the Cat-Man that much more. Because when he critiques, he says "Try this instead" or "You should try doing this". He provides postive criticism, he provides alternatives. He knows how to work with people, and it makes sense. Why can't my parents figure that out? Why can't they just either give me alternatives or leave me the fuck alone about things?
Sometimes, I really miss being held. I miss the security of someone else's arms. Coming from a guy, that sounds pretty gay, I know. But I'm just one of those guys that didn't get a whole lot of security growing up. So I need to compensate. I need that security in someone else to reaffirm to me that it's all okay. Sometimes there are certain people that I wish lived closer to me. The people I trust with that shouldn't live 15 hours away. That's such a long drive just to get a good hug.
I just really need a good hug. | | |
| Hey, to everyone that still uses this on a regular basis, if you want to help me get my wrestling promotion's name out there, Subscribe to our brand new Xanga, then tell all your friends!
The URL is www.xanga.com/Next_Generation_Wrestling. I'm also subscribed, so if you just want to check my Subscriptions list, you should find it there.
We also have a FaceBook group, so just search FaceBook's groups for Next Generation Wrestling, and you should find us no problem.
Finally, we also now have a MySpace that we recently set up. You can find it by going to the ( ww.myspace.com/nextgenw), or you can search MySpace for Next Generation Wrestling. Just be sure if you do it that way, that the one you subscribe to is located in Kansas City, KS.
Thanks in advance to everyone that helps out in some way, even if it's just subscribing yourself so you can stay up to date. Every person helps us spread out that much farther, and we're looking to get as much exposure as humanly possible.
| | |
|
|
